The Twelve Caesars - page 151, Tiberius

The first news of his death caused such joy at Rome that people ran about yelling: 'To the Tiber with Tiberius!' and others offered prayers to Mother Earth and the Infernal Gods to give him no home below except among the damned. There were also loud threats to drag his body off with a hook and fling it on the Stairs of Mourning; ... .


Nope. Nobody liked Tiberius much at all in his later years. Can you tell?




Yar! To the stairs with yer scurvy hide!

The Twelve Caesars - page 263, Otho

Otho is said to have been haunted that night by Galba's ghost in a terrible nightmare; the servants who ran in when he screamed for help found him lying on the bedroom floor. After this he did everything in his power to placate the ghost; but next day, while he was taking the auspices, a hurricane sprang up and caused him a bad tumble -- which made him mutter repeatedly: 'Playing the long pipes is hardly my trade.' (Proverbial of undertaking an enterprise beyond one's capacity.)


I thought of doing an image search for "playing the long pipes", but I thought better of it. Here's a picture of a different kind of pipes instead:






And here's another kind of Otho:

The Twelve Caesars - page 146, Tiberius

Much evidence is extant, not only of the hatred that Tiberius earned but of the state of terror in which he himself lived, and the insults heaped upon him. He forbade anyone to consult with soothsayers, except openly and with witnesses present ... .


Because nothing brings out the truthfulness of fortunetelling quite like an attentive audience.



I'm watching you.

The Twelve Caesars - page 174, Caligula

[Gaius (Caligula)] never missed a chance of securing loot: setting aside a suite of Palace rooms, he decorated them worthily, opened a brothel, stocked it with married women and free-born boys, and then sent his pages around the squares and public halls, inviting all men, of whatever age, to come and enjoy themselves. Those who appeared were lent money at interest, and clerks openly wrote down their names under the heading 'Contributors to the Imperial Revenue'.


I was going to do an image search for "Roman prostitute", but I thought better of it. Here's an Italian dog instead:



And, of course, he's a puppy.

The Twelve Caesars - page 28, Julius Caesar

As [Julius Caesar] stood, in two minds, an apparition of superhuman size and beauty was seen sitting on the river bank playing a reed pipe. A party of shepherds gathered around to listen and, when some of Caesar's men, including some of the trumpeters, broke ranks to do the same, the apparition snatched a trumpet from one of them, ran down to the river, blew a thunderous blast, and crossed over. Caesar exclaimed: 'Let us accept this as a sign from the Gods, and follow where they beckon, in vengeance on our double-dealing enemies. The die is cast.'


This, of course, is the famous crossing of the River Rubicon, the historical border of Rome beyond which generals could not take their standing armies on pain of death. By crossing this boundary with his soldiers, Julius Caesar was committing an act of treason that was fully punishable by Roman law, and the only way to escape execution was for Caesar to depose the current government and seize control for himself. It was, quite literally, a point of no return.

Famously, Caesar did cross the Rubicon (apparently at the urging of an impetuous, musical ghost). He won Rome, set up an empire, proclaimed himself perpetual dictator, and became a force that would shape the development of Western civilization. And, in the process, he also coined a succinct and useful phrase that thrives even today.

The Twelve Caesars - page 25, Julius Caesar

Having now won all Pompey's friends, and most of the Senate, to his side with loans at a low rate of interest, or interest-free, [Julius Caesar] endeared himself to persons of less distinction too by handing out valuable presents, whether or not they asked for them.


Shorter version: "Hey, I'm doing you a favor today. Remember that, because someday I might need a favor, too."



Nice place you've got here. Be a shame if something were to happen to it.

The Twelve Caesars - page 238, Nero

At last a series of insulting edicts signed by Vindex must have made some impression on [Nero] ... . Only two taunts went home: a suggestion that he was a bad lyre-player, and an insulting reference to him as 'Ahenobarbus', rather than Nero Caesar. Yet he told the Senate that he intended to renounce his adoptive name, which was now being mocked, and resume that of his family; as for his lyre-playing, he replied that he could hardly deserve Vindex's taunt (which proved the other accusations just as false) after his long and painstaking cultivation of the art; and asked a number of people from time to time whether they knew of any better performer than himself.


Of course he wasn't a bad lyre-player! He knew the lyre like anyone else. Better even. He practiced!

And, he was Nero.

So, if Vindex was wrong about his lyre-playing (evident from Nero's long hours of practice), then of course he was wrong about everything else about Nero.



Of course he was wrong. Do you know of any better performer? Well, do you?

The Twelve Caesars - page 202, Claudius

Because the Jews at Rome caused continuous distubances at the instigation of Chrestus (i.e., apparently Christ, who had been crucified in the reign of Tiberius), [Claudius] expelled them from the city.


At least Claudius merely expelled the Christians. Nero had an entirely different way of dealing with them.



Death by jaguar. While being held by Predators.

The Twelve Caesars - page 312, Domitian

Domitian had a ruddy complexion; large, rather weak eyes; and a modest expression. He was tall and well-made, except for his feet which had hammer-toes. Later, he lost his hair and developed a paunch; and, as a result of protracted illness, his legs grew spindling. He took as a personal insult any reference, joking or otherwise, to bald men, being extremely sensitive about his own baldness ... .


Red-faced, bald, and with ugly feet. It's a wonder he got a wife as good-looking as he did.



I think my bald husband is jealous.

The Twelve Caesars - page 43, Julius Caesar

Throughout the entire struggle [the civil war] not a single Caesarian deserted, and many of them, when taken prisoners, preferred death to the alternative of serving with the Pompeians. Such was their fortitude in facing starvation and other hardships, both as besiegers and as besieged, that when Pompey was shown at Dyrrhachium the substitute for bread, made of grass, on which they were feeding, he exclaimed: 'I am fighting wild beasts!' Then he ordered the loaf to be hidden at once, not wanting his men to find out how tough and resolute the enemy were, and so lose heart.


That is pretty hard-core, though I suppose Pompey could have used the same loaf of grass bread to demonstrate to his soldiers how close the Caesarians were to defeat. After all, how much longer can an army of men keep fighting with nothing more than grass to sustain them? They would eventually weaken, and as long as the Pompeians had adequate supplies they would be sure to prevail. Eventually.

But Pompey didn't prevail. He lost in the end, and Rome was won by Julius Caesar, to be transformed from a republic into the new Roman Empire, ushering in a new age of complete, dictatorial, tyrannical domination of the world's greatest power at the time.



Well, what did you expect? They were eating grass, for Pete's sake!

The Twelve Caesars - page 298, Titus

Titus died at the age of forty-one, in the same country house where Vespasian had also died. It was 1 September, A.D. 81, and he had reigned two years, two months, and twenty days. When the news spread, the entire population went into mourning as though they had suffered a personal loss. Senators hurried to the House without waiting for an official summons, and before the doors had been opened, and then when they were open, began speaking of him, now that he was dead, with greater thankfulness and praise than they had ever used while he was alive and among them.


Titus, no doubt, was a great emperor as far as the ancient Romans were concerned. But they could have at least let him know that while he was still alive.



Perhaps his soulless glare intimidated them.

The Twelve Caesars - page 24, Julius Caesar

[Julius] Caesar was the first Roman to build a military bridge across the Rhine and cause the Germans on the farther bank heavy losses. He also invaded Britain, a hitherto unknown country, and defeated the natives, from whom he exacted a large sum of money as well as hostages for future good behaviour.


I remember seeing a documentary piece on that bridge Julius built over the Rhine. At the time it was considered a technological wonder (and, for all I know, such a bridge today would still be a wonder) because it was built over the Rhine in order to accommodate the Roman army.

Not just a wagon or two, but an entire army of bad-ass Romans eager to kick some German butt.

Before this bridge was built the Germanic tribes remained largely unmolested by the Romans because of the natural defensive line the Rhine provided, giving them a sense of security on their side of the river. But Julius Caesar said, Screw that. If I'm going to show these Germans who's really the boss, I'm going to need to get serious and build me a REAL bridge, one that will leave them slack-jawed while I march into their county like I owned the place.

And build it, he did. He crossed the bridge and kicked a few things down. And then, to show those barbarians that the Romans were hardcore enough to do pretty much whatever they wanted whenever they wanted, he marched his army back across the bridge and dismantled it behind him.

And then a couple of years later, he did it again. Just as a reminder.

His strategy largely paid off. It made the Germanic tribes rethink how they handled the Romans, perhaps convincing them that if Caesar was batty enough to build such infrastructure only to immediately tear it down (twice!) just to show that he could, then perhaps he was just batty enough to do anything he wanted to them.

And then, he conquered Britain. In a manner of speaking.



All I need is a bridge long enough. --Caesar

The Twelve Caesars - page 294, Titus

Titus also assumed command of the Guards [before becoming emperor], a post which had always before been entrusted to a knight, and in which he behaved somewhat high-handedly and tyrannically. If anyone aroused his suspicion, Guard detachments would be sent into theatre or camp to demand the man's punishment as if by the agreement of everyone present; and he would then be executed without delay.


Just in case you thought the previous post about Titus portrayed him in too positive a light, here's one to bring his image back down to earth. Or at least back to where most emperors reside.



You know, in Rome. Where they build massive arches to honor them.

The Twelve Caesars - page 307, Domitian

Domitian was not merely cruel, but cunning and sudden into the bargain. He summoned a Palace steward to his bedroom, invited him to join him on his couch, and made him feel perfectly secure and happy, condescended to share a dinner with him -- yet had him crucified on the following day! ... And the abuse he iniflicted on his subjects' patience was all the more offensive because he prefaced all his most savage sentences with the same speech about mercy; indeed, this lenient preamble soon became a recognized sign that something dreadful was on the way.


Have you heard the old saying about not trusting Greeks, even when bearing gifts? I suppose the same could be said for the descendants of Troy, too.


Crap. Who the hell can we re-gift this thing to?

The Twelve Caesars - page 205, Claudius

Claudius had a certain majesty and dignity of presence, which showed to best advantage when he happened to be standing or seated -- and especially when he was in repose. This was because, though tall, well-built, with a handsome face, a fine head of white hair and a firm neck, he stumbled as he walked owing to the weakness of his knees; and because, both in his lighter moments and at serious business, he had several disagreeable traits. These included an uncontrolled laugh, a horrible habit, under the stress of anger, of slobbering at the mouth and running at the nose, a stammer, and a persistent tic of the head, which was apparent at all times but especially when he exerted himself to the slightest extent.


But besides all that, he was handsome. Really.

The Twelve Caesars - page 300, Domitian

Domitian pretended to be extremely modest, and though he displayed a novel devotion to poetry, which he would read aloud in public, his enthusiasm was matched by a later neglect and contempt of the art.


Who knew the ancient Romans had poetry slams?

The Twelve Caesars - page 296, Titus

Titus' reign was marked by a series of dreadful catastrophes - an eruption of Mount Vesuvius in Campania (The eruption that destroyed Pompeii, Herculaneum, Stabiae, and Oplontis.), a fire at Rome which burned for three days and nights, and one of the worst outbreaks of plague that had ever been known. Throughout this assortment of disasters, he showed far more than an Emperor's concern ... . He ... devoted the property of those who had died in the eruption and left no heirs to a fund for rebuilding the stricken cities. ... He stripped his own country mansions of their decorations, distributed these among the public buildings and temples [stricken by the fire], and appointed a body of knights to see that his orders were promptly carried out. Titus attempted to cure the plague and limit its ravages by every imaginable means, human as well as divine - resorting to all sorts of sacrifices and medical remedies.


This passage portrays Titus as having a genuine affinity for his people and a concern for their welfare. If it is to be believed, this account demonstrates the emperor's eagerness to give of his own personal belongings to help relieve the sufferings of his subjects. This could be the best example of a benevolent dictator that we have from ancient history.

Well, benevolent toward his own people. There is that whole destruction of the Jewish Temple thing, too.

The Twelve Caesars - page 244, Nero

Physical characteristics of Nero:

Height: average.
Body: pustular and malodorous.
Hair: light blond.
Features: pretty, rather than handsome.
Eyes: blue and rather weak.
Neck: squat.
Belly: protuberant.
Legs: spindling.

... He was entirely shameless in the style of his appearance and dress, but always had his hair set in rows of curls and, when he visited Greece, let it grow long and hang down his back.


The only thing Suetonius left out was the Emperor's fantastic neck beard.


Nobody rocks this look like I do!

The Twelve Caesars - page 200, Claudius

Until this reign there had been two terms in the Law Courts, the summer and the winter; Claudius made them continuous. Another of his changes was to institute permanent courts ... for judging fiduciary cases, instead of entrusting them to the annually appointed Roman magistrates. He cancelled Tiberius' supplement to the Papian-Poppaean Law which implied that men over sixty years of age could not beget children; and sponsored a law authorizing the Consuls to choose guardians for orphans; and passed another law, ruling that no person who had been exiled from a province might enter the city or even Italy.

A new form of punishment which forbade some persons to go more than three miles outside Rome was likewise introduced by Claudius. ... Hitherto, when Romans wished to travel abroad, the Senate had considered their applications; Claudius reserved the right to deal with these himself.


In other places in The Twelve Caesars, Claudius is portrayed somewhat as a dolt, but this passage makes him seem much more competent. Not nice, but competent. He tended to the housekeeping of the Empire with the changes listed above and other changes listed elsewhere. And, even though it's likely that a great many people were unhappy with such changes (especially those with places to go to), it's obvious that Claudius was not distant from the workings of the government.

Claudius passed laws, changed laws, altered customs, and challenged assumptions. He even proposed adding new letters of his own invention to the Latin alphabet (they didn't stick, though). And it seems like he had a purpose in mind for each change, even if it may not be obvious to a reader today or a Roman in the past.


I offer you this backward C, for all of your "PS" sounds; this upside-down F, so you can stop using V as a consonant; and this half H, because it's all Greek to me.

The Twelve Caesars - page 249, Galba

One day, as Galba's grandfather was invoking sacrificial lightning, an eagle suddenly snatched the victim's intestines out of his hands and carried them off to an oak-tree laden with acorns. A bystander suggested that this sign portended great honour for the family. 'Yes, yes, perhaps so,' the old man agreed, smiling, 'on the day that a mule foals.' When Galba later launched his rebellion, what encouraged him most was the news that a mule had, in fact, foaled. Although everyone else considered this a disastrous omen, Galba remembered the sacrifice and his grandfather's saying, and interpreted it in precisely the opposite sense.


And thus a toss-off, dismissive joke becomes the inspiration for a man, signaling to him that he was destined to become Emperor of Rome.


-- Don't worry. It's good luck.
-- Yeah. In Haiti.